I'm not quite dead...

Over a year again.

This is beginning to feel like a time capsule. Cool I guess. Snapshots of time and what I may (or may not) have been thinking at the time. I have too much going on to even try and justify my typing here. Its alright.

Neurology has started. One year down. Too many more to go. I was not ready to graduate medical school then just as I am not ready to advance in this program now. I'm sure I know more than I did when I started. That doesn't mean I feel I can apply this knowledge in a meaningful way.

Hooray for time.

over a year...

one thing i've noticed is that the ellipsis is used too much by me. you know what it is. three periods in a row. implying something more. realistically its more that i can't commit to end a phrase/sentence/thought. i read my last post from 14 months ago and realize that i have amazing powers of prediction. i'm 9 months into this residency thing. my intern year almost at an end and still i'm not prepared to be anything but nothing. am i more comfortable in patient's rooms? yes. do i think i know what i'm talking about...ever? no. do patients hang on my every word? yes. should they? no. i don't know how much longer i can take this doctor thing. it's one disappointment after another. each day i come home feeling dumber than the last. is that possible? yes. you leave the safe confines of a medical school feeling that you have learned it all, but you know nothing. each day i'm reminded of no less that 20 things that i do not know. do i know those same things that i didn't know the following day? no. i suppose people would call that learning. i'm not prepared for that.

another epic fail

i am not ready to graduate. i am not ready to become something i'm not. what ever skills i'm supposed to have at this point are not present. i can not present. i can not gather a history. i can not do an exam. i can not take exams. my future is bleak. look out world...

2 months and change

i'm in a town with no hope of escape. they come to me like lemmings seeking their fate. i try to console, try to lay hands, try to get their heads out of the sand. without hope with out a light "Oh God, Please not another fight." why won't they listen what can i do? nothing i guess, we're all kinda screwed.

dead of dead summer

the heat is what gets me. forget the humidity. it could be 30 degrees out and 100% humidity and i wouldn't complain.

i've been trapped in the hospital for the previous 6 weeks. no daylight, no sun and apparently this wasn't a problem.

this is my first week not on an in house rotation. can't say that i am better off now because i have nothing to do. i need a problem to solve. give me a complicated patient and i will try to manage them, cure them, release them. more puzzles seems to be the only answer. create more questions and the time will follow.

running on empty and other skylight views

again i'm sitting in the library, pondering the meaning of existence, loathing all that surrounds me and others whom i believe have it better than i. again today i was told that things would be getting better in the future. people always say this to me. is my bleak outlook on existence so palpable? why do i even write here. no one reads this, and if anyone does, they seek solace in the fact that others feel like they do. this provides temporary relief that is not easily recalled during times of acute depressive espisodes. the feeling of isolation is a strong one that is resistent to most kinds of cognitive change. i'm not a psychiatrist/psychologist in any way (the former having less insight into the matter than the latter) making my points only observations from the inside.

the fear hasn't taken hold yet. it will come soon enough. lets all hope i have enough drugs to get through. before the bats arrive anyway.

the end is near

its like those people with the sandwich boards walking around know my fate! t-minus 8 days until the end. the end of studying. the end of hope. thats a little fatalistic, but probably how it will end up. yeah, i'm talking about my boards here. Step1 to be precise. can't type more. need to get back to Q-bank. oh how i loathe thee.